What I Miss

I came across a call for submissions in a Bay Area magazine. The topic was "What I Miss." My first thought - my parents of course. I miss mom's gentle guidance. I miss her Easter dinner, her homemade apple butter, her crocheted creations. I miss dad's conversation, his pipe smoke, his low and random whistling. I could write plenty about the little things. But a submission should be deeper than that.

So I pondered ideas for the day. What did I miss? What have I enjoyed in my life that I now don't have? As I thought it out, I realized that it might be more like something that wasn't so great that I miss.

Can you miss something that brought tears and pain to your life? Could you miss something like cancer? Could you miss the time spent caring for someone you love so dearly who is dying before your eyes, even though it is filled with anguish and frustration and sadness?

When someone is slowly dying you at least get a chance for it all to sink in. You have time to share. You can say goodbye. Disagreements can be reconciled.

I miss the weeks before my dad died, even though he was weak and in pain. I was more connected to him then than I ever had been. He was a man who was 40 when I was born; he was very self reliant, and didn't like to depend on anyone for anything. But now he had no choice. He needed help with the yard, finances, decisions. I was able to do things for him; I gave him a haircut on the patio on a warm sunny afternoon in late July. I had never touched my dad's hair before.

I miss the last few weeks, seven years later, when mom was in the same final stages. Her sister and niece sat at her bedside, chatting and reminiscing. Mom wanted me to wash the canisters in her kitchen - she was so focused on it getting done that I couldn't put her off. I washed and dried them just as she wanted - I miss that lady of determination! I miss having family around as support, I miss the stories about the past, I miss the fuss. I miss the time my sister and I grew closer.

I miss the person I was before I lost my parents. I miss the woman I was becoming - I was veered off onto another course, and became a different version, one without parents. Nothing about any of this was pleasant. It was heart breaking. It made me grow up. It left a hole that can never be filled. But I can't deny that I miss it.