Regrets

This time a year ago I was in the midst of quite a mess that overlapped my job and my volunteer work at my daughter's elementary school. At the time I was trying to put out fires, not cause them, and looking back I wish I had done it all in a different way. So different. I would not have kept my mouth shut, because in the end it didn't matter what I did or said, and I was the one to pay personally for my silence.

You may have read my posts about the drama that came to a head in the Parent Teacher Organization group, between seven women who had only the best intentions but fell into the trap that is so often a problem in any group of women. A major power struggle. Why this happens is beyond me, but in my opinion it has to do with immaturity and low self-esteem. Instead of helping each other, the focus became to tear each other down, and in a very conniving, back-stabbing way. I'm so disappointed that I ignored it and by the time I took notice it was far too late.  I also regret that I took no action to be a strong leader as the PTO President, as I truly thought that doing so would alienate the other women and make them work against me rather than with me. I was wrong in so many ways. And it all came apart so fast and in such confusion the entire PTO Board was fired by the school principal. Yes, we were relieved of our positions as PTO volunteers. That alone was embarrassing, but later when rumors of embezzlement came out, I was downright mad. Another mom had the police at her door, following up on reports that she had made treats toward the principal (which of course were not only untrue but totally unbelievable of this woman!) But still I kept quiet, and waited for the storm to pass and the truth to prevail. What I didn't know or understand was that the entire mess would come back to me and ruin my employment at the school.

Last week, almost a year later to the day, I saw one of the other PTO moms (the one who had been at the center of the storm and causing a lot of the problems) at the grocery store, and was caught off guard. I had put her and the rest of the emotional mess behind me, or so I thought, and in a knee-jerk reaction I smiled (damn it!) and said "Hi." But then I turned away hating that I didn't just give her a cold stare and walk away. But again, I was trying to do the right thing.  I regret not telling her off, and letting her know just what I thought of her. Because I think she still feels superior and that she "won." And she needs to be knocked down. But then I feel like that is exactly what I was trying to avoid twelve months ago - knocking each other down.

I'm still working to reconcile everything that happened to me. I am no longer worried about the others, because everyone's life has gone on just fine, and they are still connected to the school through their kids. I was the only one who paid a bigger price by eventually losing my job - I was the one who felt the direct impact when the principal, who made the decision to remove the entire PTO board, and later would also take aim at me as an employee of her school. Another lesson learned.

Speaking up, as a woman, is something that takes practice. And guts. It doesn't always work in your favor, regardless of what you say or how you say it. People are vindictive and hurtful and mean, but worst of all, lack the ability to tell the truth, both to others and to themselves. I have looked for the truth within myself, and found that I was honest but naive, but where I really screwed up was in not speaking up about the situation and standing up to defend myself. In the end that's what it feel like - I need to defend myself. And I don't like that, because there was nothing to be defensive about. Looking back I see it much clearer, and the one thing I regret is not speaking up and defending myself.